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It was a frosty and cold winter morning and my automobile was in the shop being repaired…something about the heater ram lifter clutch who fucking knows had rusted beyond adjustment and a new part would be required. It would be hours before they could obtain said part and install…so…seeing how this was merely days before Christmas, they were kind enough to drive me home and then upon completion of the repair, would telephone and then retrieve me.
As I waited I busied myself with festive decorating…hanging twinkling blinking lights around my flat screen, trimming the stove with garland…you know…the old tried and true Christmas schemes.

I was beginning to hang mistletoe in the bathroom when I suddenly remembered! Neva Johnson,a friend of mine from Columbus, your “Sweet Tooth Specialist”, had sent me a batch of bona fide “Chocolate Chip Cookies”…not “Hazelnut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…not “Coconut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…but honest to God…REAL…“Chocolate Chip Cookies”! Ohhhh Ho Ho Hooooo!

Well…forty five seconds in the old Holiday Microwave and I had ooey gooey chewy hot “Chocolate Chip Cookies” to enjoy with a tall glass of cold milk! As I sat at my kitchen table, in Chocolate Chip Cookie Heaven, the Repair Shoppe’ telephoned to inform me my vehicle was finished and they would come collect me immediately.
I knew it would be at least five minutes before their arrival, so another “Chocolate Chip Cookie” round was sent through the Holiday Microwave as I refreshed my milk. I kept watch through my kitchen window for the Repair Shoppe’ driver as I greedily gobbled gooey deliciousness. Upon the driver’s arrival I popped the last bit of “Chocolate Chip Cookie” into my mouth and bolted out the kitchen door.

The driver sported a huge smile as I shut the car door (odd I thought)…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he shot back. (Was this Christmas Spirit? Odd…damn odd)
I walked into the Repair Shoppe’, went straight up to the manager to settle my bill and he looks at me with a huge smile on his face! (Christmas Spirit? What the hell was going on?!). “Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he shot back. I looked at two mechanics standing off to the side, they too were smiling…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” they shot back. (Are people really this good willed and friendly? IS THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?!) In wonder…I drove away.

I needed to do a little last minute Christmas shopping and it was the same everywhere I went! Cashiers…managers…floor help…smile after smile after smile after smile! Merry Christmases were flying all over the goddamn place! “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”.

Had I been wrong all these years?! I felt ashamed! ASHAMED I TELL YOU! People really do have good souls! People are not mostly complete bastards…they’re filled with goodness and light! I’VE SEEN IT! MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I was over come with Yuletide Joy!

Upon arriving home with my treasures and after a pre-Christmas lavatory interlude, as I washed my hands in the sink, full of “The Christmas Spirit” from my morning encounters, I looked up and into the bathroom mirror and that’s when I saw…the wide...ooey gooey...chocolate chip...chocolate smear...that ran all...the...way...across...my...chin…

~Christmas is coming!~

You know...as much as I love listening to Christmas music...which is a lot...I mean...it manages to reach a teeny tiny part of me that has somehow remained un-corrupted...innocent...pure if you will...a tiny Christmas sponge that defies saturation...a welcome joyful 24 / 7 yuletide assault on that small small still burning childlike ember of hope...with that said...

I've never really been wild about Bing...Bing Crosby...Mr. Christmas...sure...sure...I'll listen to the Bing sing "Frosty The Snowman"...which by the way is NOT a Christmas song...I mean...I won't shut it off...but there's something about that pipe smoking little prick that just rubs me the wrong fucking way...I don' know what it is...Bing has always made my Christmas skin crawl...just a little...I guess I don't see what other people see in Bing...old Bing...I don't get it...and I've never been all that fond of Danny fucking Kay either...anyway...

~Merry Christmas~

COMMENTS

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Theodora
10:38 Dec 12 2023

I bet you LOVE Mariah Carey... oh and how about that horrible song about the shoes? Doozies for sure.

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MeanMeanMrTu
22:04 Dec 12 2023

Can't say I'm a big fan...shoes?

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Last night a spatula that I thought would be with me through Christmas broke in half...I was using it to compress a hamburger patty in a pan and snapped the handle off...damn my workouts...